Desapontamentos
Disfarcei a voz, quis sentir-me calmo e bem disposto. Transmitir confiança, serenidade. O filhote tinha tido, hoje, o teste de matemática. Liguei-lhe, “Oi, amorzão, um beijão para ti, que tal vai isso?”. “Pai, olá, beijo para ti … hoje, não vai bem”. Voz de derrotado. O puto está em baixo. Bolas, para gajos na lama, já chego eu. “Foi o teste de matemática …?. “Correu-me mal …”. Tá percebido. Nesta altura do campenonato, era da maxima importância que ele recuperasse. No meio da conversa, acrescenta, “Amanhã preciso de ir cortar o cabelo, lá ao pé de ti”. Proponho, “Vamos beber um copo? Olha, Fazemos um cineminha e dormes lá em casa …” . “Pode ser, Pai …”. Também sei que o gajinho anda lá com uns amôres, ainda não declarados. E outros conflictos. Tinha entrado para uma boa equipa internet (eles chamam-lhe “clã”), do jogo Soldier of Fortune. Tanto quanto percebi, numa conversa anterior, andava arrecadado do computador, por causa do “vício”. Finalmente, senti medidas da Mãe. Lá chegado, à porta dele, “Olha, ainda vou que ter ir à avó para buscar a minha sopinha”. “Ó Pai, então faz isso primeiro, hoje não quero estar com os avós”. Umas voltas depois, de novo à porta. Beijos de Pai e Filho, Cascaishoping, o filme do Clint estava esgotado e, o “Constantine”, ainda não estreado. Não havia mais nada, não digo que de jeito, mas apetecível. “Olha, comemos e vamos alugar um filme, que tal?”. “Mas, depois, levas-me lá a casa porque tenho de ir passear o cão”. Fico desapontado e sou franco. “Filho, eras suposto ires dormir lá a casa. Já são dez e meia, só lá para a noite é que ficamos despachados. Por essa altura estou cansado, guio mal, perco o sono e não prego olho toda a noite. Assim, ias primeiro passear o cão, víamos o filme, dormias lá em casa e, de manhã, cortávas o cabelo, enquanto eu fosse à natação”. Que não, porque tem de ir passear o cão à meia noite”. Proponho, “Olha, é melhor deixarmos esta ideia para outra altura”. Que sim. Fico a pensar se ele, hoje, ou não quer estar com ninguém, ou se segue uma estratégia prédefinida pela “requerente”, demonstrando que os filhos não querem dormir em minha casa, e aproveitá-lo para justificar, em tribunal, os estratosféricos montantes da pensão. Recordei o argumento da advogada, “Porque os pais não se falam …", como se não tivesse sido a Sujeita a deixar-me de falar. De repente, deixei de me sentir Pai, apenas alguém no meio de um jogo. Mais uma noite, em que acabei por não pregar olho, apesar de todas as “ajudas” diponíveis. Maldito o dia, em que cada noite se transformou neste pesadelo, e isto começou uma ano antes da desunião. De novo, estou em “negativos”. Cheguei a isto, para quê? Odiei a vida, a que tenho, a que levo e a solidão. Não vivo. Sobrevivo, em tudo. Nesta Sexta, procuro recordações, das boas, mas não me liberto daquelas paredes, nem da escuridão que as cobre, reflectindo-me pressentimentos, desconfianças, suspeitas e perigos. Sinto-me beligerante, agressivo, rodeado de inimigos, uns mais concretos, outros menos definidos. Na minha vida privada, no trabalho, e no resto, sobre o que sobrar. Revejo amigos, avalio-os. Quero saber com o que posso contar. Sinto que é altura de deixar de ser “bonzinho”, e uma necessidade terrível de ser contundente, de ir à Guerra, a todas, sejam quais forem, sem tréguas. Ganhá-las, dôa a quem doer, seja qual fôr o resultado, para ganhar, na vida. Acabar com climas de paz pôdre, onde foram criadas. Porque quero estar vivo, e viver. Mas, se tiver que morrer, que seja de pé, bem comigo. Hoje não quero amar. Nem sentir coisas boas, nem abandonar-me. Quero confrontar e derrotar. Esses, os inimigos, que vou identificando, os internos, e os outros, um a um. Esta, é mais uma noite em que tenho muito, muito tempo, para pensar em tudo. Mesmo no que não quero. Estou só, e não me sinto mal com isso. Apenas com muita, muita raiva. Todos temos o direito à indignação. O que me faz sentir bem. Agora, começo a vislumbrar alguns amigos. Estou sereno, mas não esqueço. Apercebo-me do canto dos pássaros, na mata da feira, que já regressaram para a primavera. Por isso, já devem passar das cinco da manhã. Tenho mais um dia de vida, e de guerra. Lavo loiça, lavo roupa, aspiro a sala, arrumo roupa, guardo papéis, e preparo-me. Para o que der e vier. Fecho o saco da natação. Já sei como vai ser. Quando está com a mãe, a filha, mal me cumprimenta. Dualidade de personalidades. Vou-lhe mostrar que não gosto. Depois, saio de casa, à procura de um café aberto, vou direito ao "Cantinho", ali, ao pé da igreja. É bom, ver gente, logo de manhã, que nos desejem os bons dias. Gente de vida dura e difícil, das obras e outros ofícios. Nunca me senti mal no meio deles. Pelo contrário, sempre me foram irmãos. Coisas de educação. Às vezes, meto-me nas conversas, as de futebol. Nas de política, sou mais discreto, meto umas colheradas, mas nada de academismos. Esta gente, matou-se mais do que eu, para chegar a quase nada. Trabalham desde a infãncia, arrancados à escola pela necessidade de sobrevivência. Entre estes, eu sinto-me e sempre me senti bem. Apesar de saber que, também, podem ser mafiosos. Mas, por agora, com estes não tenho com que me preocupar. Trabalho, é trabalho. Conhaque, ...
Sábado, 5 de Março de 2005.
Sábado, 5 de Março de 2005.
44 Comments:
Hora de balanço...hora de rescaldo...hora de decisões...e algumas delas bem dificeis de tomar...a vida tem destas coisas...valerá a pena? perguntas tu....claro q sim...e vais renascer mais forte...talvez mais amargurado aqui ou ali mas isso faz parte...tb tu estás a crescer...um crescimento mais maduro...mais dificil...mas tb com muito valor...!
Força e um abraço do tamanho do mundo! :)
Obrigado, Anna.
Falta-me background para conseguir dizer algo à altura... :S
Sinto que preciso de dizer algo... Dar-te força... Qualquer coisa... Mas não sei o que te diga. Que te entendo? Sim, penso que sim...
Espero que não percas a força interior. Para combater, se for preciso. Mas para amar também.
Um grande e forte abraço!
Nuno, estás aí, e isso chega-me. Obrigado. Sabem, por vezes, temos de esquecer o que foi bom, para tratarmos do que é mau, no presente.
taosoumpai,chama-se a isso "limpar" a casa mas não tens necessáriamente de esquecer o que foi bom...antes pelo contrário...isso vai-te ajudar a aguentar o barco..depois de passada a ressaca...!
bjokas
Anna, é isso. Limpar a casa. Dar cabo do lixo e deixar ficar o que é bom, mais limpo, e mais agradável.
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